Thursday, March 15, 2012

I am a living, breathing broken record.

I never wanted to be the proverbial broken record, but I am. Here is a 100% true and accurate accounting of the things I say every single day of my life. Every single day. Every. Single. Day.

6:30 a.m.: "[In a loud, angry whisper] Guys, be quiet, Colin is still asleep!!!!!!"
6:32 a.m.: "[Still in a loud whisper] Quiet down!"
6:40 a.m.: "Josh, turn down the radio. It's too loud!"
7 a.m.: "Josh, you can't carry down 30 books every morning. Five books!!"
7:01 a.m.: "Josh, you can't pour the cereal that high. There's no room for milk."
7:10 a.m: "Josh, stop reading, you need to eat."
7:15 a.m.: "Josh, stop reading, you need to eat."
7:20 a.m.: "Josh, stop reading, you need to eat."
7:25 a.m.: "Josh, stop reading, you need to eat."
7:30 a.m.: "Matthew, you need to eat breakfast."
7:35 a.m.: "Josh, stop reading, you need to eat."
7:40 a.m.: "Matthew, you need to eat breakfast."
7:45 a.m.: "Josh, stop reading, you need to eat."
7:50 a.m.: "Matthew, you're running out of time. You need to eat now."
7:55 a.m.: "Guys, at 8 o'clock, breakfast is over."
7:56 a.m.: "Matthew, eat!"
7:57 a.m.: "Josh, stop reading and eat!"
7:58 a.m.: "Josh, what are you doing?"
7:59 a.m.: "No, Josh, it's too late for a second bowl."
8:01 a.m.: "Matthew, get dressed."
8:02 a.m.:  "Matthew, get dressed."
8:03 a.m.: "Josh, make your bed."
8:04 a.m.: "Matthew, get dressed."
8:05 a.m.: "Josh, your bed."
8:06 a.m.: "Guys, the bus is coming soon."
8:07 a.m.: "Matthew, get dressed."
8:08 a.m.: "Josh, your bed. And teeth. Bed. And teeth. Bed and teeth. Bed and teeth!!!!"
8:09 a.m.: "Matthew, get dressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
8:10 a.m.: "Josh, your teeth."
8:11 a.m.: "Josh, don't suck on the toothbrush, brush."
8:12 a.m.: "Josh, brush!"
8:13 a.m.: "Josh, where does your toothbrush go?"
8:14 a.m: "Josh, get your coat on."
8:15 a.m.: "Matthew, hurry up!!"
8:16 a.m.: "Matthew, get on your coat, put on your shoes."
8:17 a.m.: "Matthew, the bus is coming! Coat! Shoes! Now!!!!!"
8:18 a.m.: "Guys, stop it!"
8:19 a.m.: "Guys, stop it!"
8:20 a.m.: "Josh, don't kick the mailbox!"
8:21 a.m.: "Matthew, don't kick the mailbox either!"
8:22 a.m.: "Josh, stand still [as the bus is approaching and he's running into the street in front of it]. Josh! Stand still!!!!"
8:23 a.m.: "[Muttering to self as bus rolls away] Sweet heaven, thank you."
8:25 a.m.: "What, Colin?"
8:26 a.m.: "What, Colin? What do you want?"

Fast forward to the end of the tranquility, when that bus rolls back into our lives.

3:44 p.m.: "Hi guys, how was your day?" Silence. Not even a hello.
3:45 p.m.: "Josh, you can't walk around the house eating crackers. Sit down in the kitchen."
3:46 p.m.: "Matthew, where do your coat and shoes and backpack belong?" [They are typically strewn about six inches inside the front door, as if a force field yanked them off as he sprinted through the doorway.]
3:47 p.m.: "Josh, sit down when you're eating."
3:48 p.m.: "Matthew, put your shoes, coat and backpack away."
3:49 p.m.: "Josh, two snacks is enough."
3:50 p.m.: "Matthew, do what I ask! Now!"
3:51 p.m.: "Josh, no more snacks!"
4 p.m.: "Josh, we have to start your homework."
4:02 p.m.: "Josh, we have to start your homework."
4:04 p.m.: "Josh, we have to start your homework."
4:06 p.m.: "Josh! Homework! Now!"
4:07 p.m.: "What, Colin?"
4:08 p.m: "What, Colin? What do you want?"

Fast forward to bedtime.
7:30 p.m. [A naked Josh is dancing around his room.] "Josh, put on your pajamas."
7:31 p.m.: "Josh, can you put on your pajamas please."
7:32 p.m.: "Josh, put on your pajamas please."
7:33 p.m.: "Matthew, put on your pajamas please."
7:34 p.m.: "Josh! Pajamas!"
7:35 p.m.: "Matthew! Pajamas!"
7:36 p.m.: "Josh, where do your dirty clothes belong?"
7:37 p.m.: "Matthew, please put your dirty clothes in the hamper."
7:38 p.m.: "Guys, clothes!"
7:39 p.m.: "What, Colin?"
7:40 p.m: "What, Colin? What do you want?"
7:55 p.m.: "No, that's it. That's enough books. Time to brush teeth."
7:56 p.m.: "Guys, let's go. Brush teeth."
7:57 p.m.: "Matthew, get down here and brush your teeth!"
7:58 p.m.: "Josh, don't suck on the toothbrush, brush."
7:59 p.m.: "Josh, where does your toothbrush belong?"
8 p.m.: "Matthew, let's go, get into bed please."
8:01 p.m.: "Josh, we don't need that many lights on."
8:02 p.m.: "Josh, that's too many lights."
8:03 p.m.: "Matthew, please settle down."
8:04 p.m.: "Good night, guys. I love you."

I realize I sound like a horrible father, who nags and screams and yells too much. That's only because I am. And they're the reason I am. I hope when they read this someday, they'll realize how they turn me into a horrible person. And then they'll decide they never want to become broken records, too. But they will. It's inevitable. Gotta rest now. I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Scott, Lots of reading in the morning is a good thing! And kids love to dance naked around the house. If it's just at bedtime you are lucky. Suck it up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. These are all fair points. Thank you for the reality check. I also got a phone call from a friend last night saying that she read the post and felt better because it expressed exactly how she was feeling after a long day and night with her two young boys.

      Delete